It is a sad truth of our teenage years that too often we don’t feel very good about ourselves, lose confidence and drop our self-esteem.
Queensland teenage girls come up with some easy solutions
I recently asked some wonderful teenage girls what could be done to help teenagers feel better about themselves. Here are the fabulous ideas they had ….
Some of these ideas are so simple and so cheap that we should be doing them already. What can I say … but I totally agree.
Petris
It appears there are seven levels of growth every person on the planet undertakes. People on different levels will behave and be motivated in different ways. The seven levels (from the lowest to the highest ) are:
Although a person will gradually move through upwards through the seven levels, they can access any or all of the levels in any given day.
The first three are the hardest to move through, but once a person has transitioned through level 4, the rest of the journey is easier.
The lower levels (1 to 3) focus on our physiological need for survival; our physical and emotional need for safety and our emotional need for self esteem. These levels focus on our personal self-interest – meeting the needs of the ego. This is the area of dual reality and where humanity puts most of its focus and efforts. Some people will spend their whole lives in these levels.
Unfortunately these levels are very transient. By that I mean that nothing is ever enough at these levels. When you get something you want, you immediately start looking for the next thing. These things were identified by Abraham Maslow as ‘deficiency’ needs. This means we don’t get lasting satisfaction from meeting this need, but we will feel a sense of anxiety if it isn’t met.
In these lower levels we are conditioned by the expectations of others and tend to align with and be loyal to groups with which we identify. If we live a life that is focused exclusively on satisfying the needs of these first three levels, we will lead a life that is self-centred and shallow.
The focus of the fourth level is on transformation – a shift from self interest to the common good. This is where the ego learns to let go of its fears so that it can become one with the soul.
The higher levels, (levels 5 to 7) focus on our spiritual needs; the need to find meaning in our lives, the need to make a difference in the world, and the need to be of service. These levels are about the common good and meeting the needs of the soul. Abraham Maslow referred to these upper levels of consciousness as ‘growth’ needs. Fulfilling these needs does not make them go away; instead it brings about deeper levels of motivation and commitment to fulfilling the need.
You must master one level before you can proceed to the next. Even when we have learned how to become a self actualised individual, we will still face fears that take us back to the lower levels of consciousness. It may be a limiting belief or a situation that is keeping us rooted in one of these lower levels.
Let’s look at each of the levels in turn.
Level 1 – Survival
The first level of consciousness relates to the base chakra and focuses on satisfying our physiological need for safety and security. We will master this level by developing the practical skills needed to ensure our physical survival.
The negative aspects of being in this level are:
On the bright side, this level is a wonderful experience when you feel secure and as though you belong.
Level 2 – Relationship
Once our physical needs are met, we move to the second level of consciousness (associated with the navel chakra) and strive to satisfy our social needs. We seek to satisfy our emotional need for love and belonging. We seek love and respect from our family and friends. If this is not possible, we will look for it socially.
The beginnings of our ego can be experienced at this level and we are still very self centred. We master this level by developing the interpersonal relationship skills we need for us to feel safe, be loved and feel as though we belong. If you constantly feel, for example, that you are not loved or that you need to find your one true soul mate to be happy, you will have difficulty move from this level. It is easy to look in our literature and artistic works to see how many people have operated from this level.
The negative aspects of being in this level are:
On the bright side, this level brings with a feeling of being loved, a sense of belonging and healthy relationships.
Level 3 – Self-esteem
In the third level of consciousness (associated with the solar plexus chakra), we become focused upon satisfying our need to feel good about ourselves. We do this through a sense of pride in who we are and by having a positive self esteem.
We will start to want to ‘stand out’ from the crowd where we previously we just wanted to belong. We begin to discover ourselves; our abilities and our limitations. We become aware of our limited knowledge and are comfortable with this (at lower levels we weren’t aware we didn’t know it all). We now understand that we have the power to change ourselves and our environment.
Time begins to have fluidity for us and seems to expand and contract with our feelings. It seems to fly when we are happy and to drag when we are terrified.
We will master this level by developing the emotional skills needed so we can respect and feel good about ourselves in all situations. We will need to develop a positive sense of self worth and pride.
We will experience this level negatively when we feel we are neither respected nor good enough.
On the bright side, this level of conscious brings with it:
The level of the control drama
This is the level where people play out control dramas as a way of getting energy from others. The four major control dramas that people play out are:
In all these control drama situations, where the attention goes; is where the energy goes. People playing out control dramas are all seeking to get attention and energy for themselves. People stuck in the lower levels will experience this constant energy tug every day. When a person moves out of the lower levels, their energy comes from the collective consciousness and they no longer need to seek it from other people.
Level 4 – Transformation
Level four is the transition from the lower to the higher levels. It is similar to the pinched in part of a sand timer and can be quite difficult for people to move through. For some people the effort proves to be just too much and they continually cycle from this level back down to earlier levels. It takes consistent effort to maintain this level long enough to move into level five.
The fourth level of consciousness is about the transformation from self to service. We master this level by learning to release our fears (conscious and subconscious) from the previous three levels. By doing this we begin to blend the needs of the ego with the needs of the soul. Most people at this level will experience both forgiveness and acceptance.
To move through this level requires commitment, perseverance and faith. At times this can be quite an uncomfortable level as you will question all your beliefs and question what else there is to life. You may even find that you’re not who you thought you were; brought about by your new found desire to be genuine and authentic. You ponder whether what you are doing is making you happy… and if the answer is ‘no’, you begin the journey to find this happiness. Our focus changes from getting to doing.
People in this level begin to live life according to their personal values and beliefs. The process of actualisation has well and truly begun and unlike in the lower levels, we embrace change.
During this transformational level some people are tempted to throw out everything in their life; all their possessions and relationships. The danger in doing this is allowing yourself to slip back to level one and beginning the process all over again. It may be more productive to ask how you can change what you already have rather than throwing everything out.
This is a very exciting stage and people can become ‘born again’ and wish to share all their new found knowledge and excitement with others. You want other people to experience the magnificent changes you are experiencing.
This level brings much richness as you connect more with the world around you, especially nature and other people. You genuinely care for others and can focus on them (rather than just yourself).
You get a glimpse of the bigger picture.
Level 5 – Internal Cohesion
When you have transitioned through level 4 you will enter level 5 which is about internal cohesion. From here it is much harder to slip back into the lower levels.
This is where duality has ceased to exist. As you are above, so you are below.
You master the fifth level of consciousness by discovering your personal meaning for your existence and find your purpose. This level is where we found the meaning and purpose for our existence. In later levels, we will actualise this meaning through service to the world. During this level we will, however, begin to experience the urge to ‘give back’. You are starting to feel compelled to have a cause and work towards it with other people.
You might even outgrow your career and feel dissatisfied if all you are doing is working for a living. You really are searching for a higher purpose and are already aware that you can create your own reality. You will now have the commitment, passion, excitement and enthusiasm to make things happen. You are also too honest to fool yourself any longer. You can happily work on bigger and longer term goals. You begin to fully understand the connection between the micro and the macro and your place in the universe.
Level 6 – Making A Difference
During the sixth level of consciousness you begin to actualise the meaning and purpose for your existence that you discovered in level five. You have an overriding need to contribute; and no amount of contribution is enough.
You master this level by actualising your sense of meaning by making a difference in the world (often with others). It is important during your transition through this level to remember to stay grounded and not ignore the needs of the lower levels.
We may begin working energetically in this level and will experience the world as one. People will notice your leadership and want to follow your light. You will have empathy with everything and everyone and can see where they are all coming from and more easily direct them to solutions. You can love and accept everything… but you still may choose not to have it in your life.
Level 7 – Service
In the seventh level of consciousness we begin to lead a life of service and take further steps to actualize the difference we were making in the sixth level of consciousness. You will have long term visions and can even be comfortable where a vision extends beyond this lifetime. Making a difference is your life purpose.
Every action you take is an ethical action; you no longer do things unless they are ethical. By now you have a strong inner peace and it takes quite a bit to rattle you. You remain calm in the face of uncertainty that once would have concerned you.
You have strong inner and outer connections and know that God is inside you. You are compelled to help others and actively look for opportunities to help… but will do so only if it is appropriate. When you speak it is with wisdom and in a way that is easily understood by the other person.
Summary
The purpose of our life appears to be to grow and move through the seven levels of consciousness. During our transition it will serve us if we keep the positive strengths from each level as we move forward. See every day as an opportunity to take another step towards your consciousness growth.
One cold winter’s day, a student told his teacher he had found harmony and therefore would not be making any further changes in life. She smiled and said, “The still and calm pond appears harmonious until its very stillness results in stagnation. It is the rhythm, the bubble and the sparkle of the stream that is constantly moving and changing which results in harmony. Are you the stream or the pond?” We’d all like to be the stream and proudly say that we can embrace change and all it stands for. However, we know that sometimes… even when we know we should change… we don’t. Why is that?
Two researchers, Prochaska and Diclemente postulated a cycle that people go through when they implement change in their lives. Although the length of the cycle varies with each individual, once a person enters the cycle for a particular change, it usually lasts for about 12 months. Understanding the cycle of change that people go through can help you to discover where you are in the cycle and what it will take for you to move to the next stage.
The stages in the cycle of change are:
Let’s consider each stage of the cycle.
After a relapse you will return to either the contemplation or the action stage of the cycle. You do not enter the pre-contemplation stage again as once you have considered the issue it can never again be unconsidered. Your way of looking at the world has changed forever. Regardless of where you re-enter the cycle, you are better off than you were before as you now have more information about your personal habits, barriers, boundaries and strengths than you had before you entered the cycle. You also have a better understanding of what is likely to trigger a future relapse. Once you re-enter the action stage of the cycle, you will usually stay there until you exit.
In summary you can see that if you wish to make change in your life, you won’t do so until you find a reason that personally compels you (not someone else) to make the change. But once you have done so and you have entered the cycle of change, you will eventually make the change in your life.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6052922
You Won’t Change Your Life Until Your Dog Dies – Really
We have a saying in our business when someone tells us they want to make a change. We ask them whether their dog has died yet. When they look at us in horror we explain the story behind the question.
It comes from a story shared with us by a counsellor about a man who was an alcoholic.
When the story started the man, let’s call him Blue was happily married with two teenage daughters and a job as a senior executive in a Bank. He had a sports car and lived in a nice brick house in the suburbs with a dog. Then he started drinking excessively. His family and friends were brave enough to speak up and tell him they thought he had a problem and he should seek help… but that wasn’t enough for him to get help. One night after a drinking binge he came home and hit his wife so she took the children and left him… but that wasn’t enough for him to seek help. After another drinking binge he was violent towards his daughters on an access visit, so his wife sought a restraining order and he was no longer able to see his children… but that wasn’t enough for him to seek help. His drinking became so problematic that in quick succession he was fired from his position in the bank, his car was repossessed and the bank took possession of his house. The next day he started living on the streets with his dog… but that wasn’t enough for him to seek help either.
A mate heard about the hard times he had fallen upon and offered him a place to live in his shed. So Blue moved out into the country and began living in his friend’s shed. Then one Monday in the middle of a searing summer’s day he found himself wandering into town for a drink. This drinking bender was a big one. Three days later he dragged his sorry body towards the shed and found to his horror that he had left his dog chained up without water in the scorching summer sun… and the dog had died. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back and the thing that caused Blue to finally seek help with his drinking problem. Prior to this point, Blue was not prepared to make change in his life.
Everyone has a breaking point; a point beyond which they will no longer go without seeking to change their life. And everyone’s point is different. Blue’s breaking point was when his dog died. Nothing before then had been sufficiently compelling to force him to seek to change his life… even though several of his experiences would have been enough for another person to seek help, they weren’t for Blue. So we hope you can now understand why we attempt to work out whether a person’s dog has died before we start to work with them on changing their life… because until it does, they seldom are successful in making the change they need to make.
In short to change your life YOU have to want to make the change for a very personally compelling reason. You won’t be successful if you are doing it for someone else or if you aren’t really convinced that it is compelling enough for you.
There is a little known formula for self esteem which goes like this:
Accepting Responsibility = Control = Ability To Change = Better Self Esteem
Conversely:
Not Accepting Responsibility = No Control = Won’t Make Change = Low self esteem
Accepting responsibility for what occurs in your life also means that you believe you are in control of your life. People who believe they are in control of their lives generally find it easier to make change and have better self esteem.
Wanting to control your world is a basic human need. You want to be able to direct or improve your life, to set your own goals and to achieve them. Having control means believing that control of your world is in your hands. Those who believe they can control their own lives will do so (and vice versa).
Albert Bandura developed a theory of self efficacy. Your belief in your self efficacy is your personal judgment about your ability to cope with or take charge of your life. Efficacy means effectiveness or having the power to produce the effect you want. Your perceived self-efficacy relates not to your actual capabilities, but to the way you judge whatever skills you have. If you believe you can cope with a situation, you are more likely to cope and you are also less likely to be emotionally upset while you do. People with higher self efficacy as adults, for example, can more easily give up smoking.
A landmark study in an old peoples’ home suggested that exerting even a little more control over the events in your life will contribute to you living longer. All the residents in the home were given a plant. Half were told that they alone were responsible for watering and feeding their plant. The other half had theirs cared for by nursing home staff. All the residents were frail and ill; the only difference between them was whether or not they cared for their own plant. The group who cared for their own plants lived longer.
Researchers have also shown that if you believe you don’t have control over upsetting events in your life, you are more likely to develop depression.
This is why it is helpful for us to understand we have control over the future direction our lives will take. You have control over yourself, your thoughts, your emotions and the actions you take to create who you will be. You are responsible for your life.
What About When Bad Things Happen?
Your situation in life is not an excuse for your behaviour. ‘Bad things’ happen to ‘good people’ every day. After they have happened, these ‘good people’ have to decide whether they are going to:
In other words you may not always be able to control what happens to you, but you can always have control over your response and accept responsibility for it.Accepting responsibility for yourself and your actions is one of the most positive steps you can take towards improving self esteem.
How many times have you heard words like, ‘You create your own reality’, ‘You are what you think’? I too had heard them many times but didn’t really ‘get’ the importance of them until I learned about the cycle of results that all humans go through whenever something happens to them.
The Cycle Of Results
The Cycle of Results goes like this:
So in any situation when something happens, we think about it and ask ourselves, ‘What does this mean? Once we have worked out what we think it means for us, we ask ourselves, “How do I feel about this?” Then we work out what we are going to do about it and we do it.
Whenever something happens it is meaningless unless and until we put meaning upon it. The same event could be a ‘good’ event for one person and a ‘bad’ event for another person. The difference arises simply due to the thought the person has about the event.
For example: Anna and Bruce are standing on the street when a dog runs out of a nearby house towards them. Anna immediately thinks this is a dangerous situation, places a negative meaning upon it, feels scared and runs away. In doing so, she makes herself an attractive target for the dog to chase and as a result get more scared.
Bruce immediately thinks, “What a lovely looking dog”, places a positive meaning upon the situation, and looks forward to having a pat and a play with the dog. In doing so, he has a positive approach and outcome from the dealing with the dog.
The same situation gives rise to two different results simply because people thought differently.
If we have a positive thought about a situation, we will have a positive emotion which will tend to lead us to take more positive actions and get more positive outcomes.
If we have a negative thought about a situation, we will have a negative emotion which will tend to lead us to take more negative actions and get more negative outcomes.
So the root cause of all our results and outcomes is ultimately the thoughts we have. By changing these thoughts we will change the emotions we experience, the actions we take and the results we get. We will, quite literally, change our lives.
This blog has also been published as an article at:
http://ezinearticles.com/?Change-Your-Thoughts-To-Change-Your-Life&id=6042721
Thinking more positively is one of the most valuable things a person can do to improve their life. When you think more positively, you feel better emotionally which in turns makes you feel more confident about taking positive actions to bring about better results in your life. Researchers have consistently found that people with high self esteem think more positively than people with low self esteem.
What You Do When Something Happens In Life (The Start Of The Thinking Cycle)
When something happens you automatically ask yourself, “What does this mean?” You want to work out if it is a good thing or a bad thing in your life. As human beings we tend to categorise things that happen positively or negatively, rather than merely neutrally.
If you think the thing that has happened is positive, then you experience a positive emotion and will generally take more positive steps towards creating a more positive outcome.
If you think the thing that has happened is negative, then you experience negative emotions. This makes it more difficult for you to take the steps needed towards creating a positive outcome and can often result in people doing nothing and thinking, “What’s the use?”
You will get better outcomes if you can turn your negative thoughts into positive thoughts.
How Do You Turn Negative Thoughts Into Positive Thoughts?
There are three easy steps to turning negative thoughts into positive thoughts.
Children who are confident tend to have higher self esteem than children who aren’t confident. An easy way to improve a child’s confidence is to help them create and have ‘wins’. These don’t have to be big wins … start small and work up.
Find some things the child is good at and help them to see how well they do that thing. Find and encourage situations in which the child can excel. People like to feel they are good at something … and this knowledge and confidences helps them to cope when they have to tackle tasks they find difficult.
I can hear some of you asking, but what about resilience? Children need to learn that they aren’t going to win at everything and they need to take the hard knocks of life don’t they? And my answer to that would be, ‘Yes they do … but give them some confidence first and they will more easily deal with these knocks and challenges.’
By Petris Lapis (formerly Sandra Rodman), Director Extollo Pty Ltd
If you could leave your child with only one gift, what would you leave? Would you choose money, possessions, health, fitness, friends, a house … or would it be better to ensure they had healthy self esteem and a belief in themselves … so they could get these things for themselves?
Every time I would choose to leave them with healthy self esteem. It will get them further in life and avoid more hassles than any other gift I could give them.
So how do you do it?
Self esteem is how you perceive yourself and your abilities. Did you notice it was your perception and not the reality that mattered? A person with mediocre abilities and healthy self esteem will go further and achieve more with a greater degree of happiness than a very talented individual with low self esteem.
How do you get there?
I hope that through our joint contributions we can accumulate an all encompassing list of things that do (and don’t) improve self esteem in children.
Why do you care?
I care because in my early teenage years I suffered from low self esteem and I now work with school children to help raise self esteem. I have a beautiful friend whose child also suffered from self esteem … and the process she was offered to fix it was almost prohibitively expense and required her family to give up every Saturday for 10 weeks. To make self esteem more accessible to all, I developed the “How To Be Your Own HERO” program which we run in schools and sell to schools.
I am still, however, of the belief that it is possible for parents to teach self esteem to children (an essential life skill) by themselves. Sometimes we just need a little help along the way.
So each week, we plan to share a way to improve your child’s self esteem … or ways to avoid harming self esteem.
Petris Lapis (formerly Sandra Rodman), Director Extollo Pty Ltd.
